10 Horror Families We Are Glad We Are Not Related ToBy MortimerTGraves for Movies
10 Horror Families We Are Glad We Are Not Related To
They say one of the greatest blessings a person can have is family. I say whoever said this has not been in the same house with my family for any significant amount of time. Thankfully there is hard liquor and prescription drugs that can cushion the ordeal. Anyway enough about my last Christmas dinner.
In all seriousness if you’re a horror fan, you realize very quickly that your family isn’t so bad when compared to the familes from our favorite movies. Just like the holidays, horror films can show us how scary family can be. Let’s look at some of the families from horror films we are glad we are not related to.
The Chandler Family: The Girl Next Door
I debated on putting this one on here. It is easily the most disturbed movie I have watched since A Serbian Film for brutality. I actually felt dirty after watching this. It’s bad enough that the movie itself is horrifying, but it’s actually based off of a true story of Sylvia Likens. So this will be short.
A young girl and her sister are sent to live with their crazy aunt when their parents pass away. What the aunt does, and allows her sons to do, to the girls is nothing less than sadistic.
-WARNING- Watch this if you are on the hardcore end of horror. This is truly a glimpse of suburban hell. -WARNING-
The Odets Family: Wrong Turn
Just like most horror families Saw-Tooth, One-Eye, and Three Finger are the main protaginists with additional Maynard, Delilah, Ma, Pa, Sister, Brother, and Three-Toes filling out the extended inbred family.
If you are unlucky or stupid enough to tresspass, be warned you could end up as dinner. The mountain they call home is full of deathtraps and the woods is patroled by the mutant family. So you might want to skip this vacation spot.
The Jupiter Clan: The Hills Have Eyes
The Jupiter Clan is a family of mutants living out in the desert, in a dark, dank cave. When Papa Jupiter and crazy Mama, an ex-prostitute, decides it’s best to feed their babies Mars, Pluto, Mercury and Ruby on a diet of human flesh, it results in a family full of cannibalistic murderers with a great fashion sense.
So remember don’t get off the highway and never take shortcuts through the hills.
The Sawyer Family: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
They are the granddaddy of all crazy families who turns up dysfunction a few notches.
It doesnt matter which one, take your pick of a crazy family member: Leatherface, the hitchhiking, the cook who has a delicious chili recipe, or the nearly catatonic grandpa who will still try his best to murder you. Any way you cut it (with a chainsaw naturally), this family is the premier of dysfunctional serving up Southern-fried “BBQ” with gravy bowls of crazy.
The Mantle Brothers: Dead Ringers
The idea of twins has always been slightly creepy concept to me, but what these twin brothers do with their likeness goes from criminal, to weird and finally bizarre.
Elliot and Beverly are both gynecologists, they take advantage of their similarities by using their position inappropriately. Eventually, their relationship begins to deteriorate, but not before one gets inventive with gynecological tools.
Remember kids, mutant ladies need love and a good OB-GYN too.
The Koffins Family: Mother’s Day
Nothing is as wholesome as a loving Mother being taken care of by her 2 adult sons, Ike and Addley. Lets not forget about crazy aunt Queenie who lives in the woods.
Three female friends on a camping trip (people need to stop camping) are kidnapped by a pair of brothers, who take the women back to their home and brutalize them, all for the pleasure of their demented mother. Mother Koffin just oozes sweet.
The Torrance Family: The Shining
A classic. It’s really a love story in a winter wonderland. Oh yea, there are some ghosts and evil things too.
Loving Couple Jack and Wendy and their “cute as a button” son Danny decide to take a little winter vacation to a closed Colorado mountain hotel, where Jack will work as the winter caretaker while he tries to write the great American novel. Inside the very isolated hotel is an evil and spiritual presence which influences Jack to violence, while his psychic son sees horrific images from the past and future. Plus there’s an ax, a knife, a bat, finger talking, a bunch of typing, and some great yellings.
The Merrye Family: Spider Baby
In a story of true devotion and love. The Kindly chauffeur and caretaker takes care of three orphaned siblings of his former employer.
Bruno the chauffeur, Ralph the oldest, middle child Virginia, and baby Elizabeth make up this charming couple. Well there are a dozen or so inbred family members locked in the basement, but as the saying goes, out of sigh out of mind. It’s not Bruno's fault his control over the children deteriorates into murder, chaos and insanity when distant family try to claim the property. That is the Merrye Syndrome everyone in the inbred part of the family suffers from.
When love, understanding and therapy doesn’t work. Dynamite does.
The Firefly Family: House of 1,000 Corpses
Son-of-a- I have to write about a Zombie film. But first I need a drink and a smoke(and I dont smoke).
They are psychos. A bunch of crazy people living out in the somewhere(probably Texas or Nevada since Zombie likes to copy 1970‘s movies) who lure people to their house to kill or to become patients for Dr. Satan who lives in caves under the house. The family consists of Captain Spaulding, Baby, Mother Firefly, Otis Driftwood(adopted brother), Grampa Hugo, Rufus, Earl, and deformed giant brother Tiny. You might want to include Dr. Satan, since we don’t know if he is a family member or not.
The Museum of Monsters & Madmen is the bright spot of the movie for me.
The Robeson Family: The People Under the Stairs
Yea another incest movie. I wonder if you get a prize if you have a certain number of incest movies in one article?
In the nastiest sense of the word, a brother and sister act as “Mama” and “Daddy” who lock up their children in what is essentially the Fort Knox of homes. They lock the kids up in the basement after “fixing” them, and keep their daughter locked away with extreme discipline and cleansing. So don’t try and break in to steal anything, it makes them mad.
On the bright side we get a young “Big Ed Hurley” from Twin Peaks in a full S&M suit.