10 Worst Horror Movies Of All TimeBy MortimerTGraves for Movies
10 Worst Horror Movies Of All Time
This is a subject that is purely subjective. In no way can a list be accurate of what anyone considers a bad movie. With this list I will be using popular opinion as a guide for compiling this list, because I really am not in the mood to have people come after me with pitchforks and torches (cue angry mob from Frankenstein). I am a fan of so called bad films. I go out of my way to watch them. So my personal bad list is made up of movies that I don’t find as entertaining. And yes some films on my bad list are viewed as classic award-winning films. So I am going to leave that can of worms closed.
Now back to the subject at hand. The following is a listing of movies that have generally been suggested (by the majority) to be the worst horror films of all-time. This listing is not intended to degrade; in fact, some of the atrocious movies are favourites. Just because a movie is ineptly made it doesn’t necessarily mean it isn’t still entertaining, or even weirdly endearing. This listing is not intended to disparage the efforts of filmmakers, amateur or even opportunistic hacks. With that in mind, sometimes bad movies are so bad they're hilarious. Others simply defy belief that they exist at all, failing every basic litmus test of narrative and technique that even rudimentary filmmaker should be aware of, but like a train-wreck or a traffic accident, its impossible to look away.
So kids lets dive in the trash pile of cinema and see what we can find.
Gnaw 2: Food of the Gods 1989
This sequel to 1978's Food of the Gods. When Dr. Hamilton works on a growth hormone serum using lab rats, he doesn't realize this will result in giant size killer rats. Neither do a group of animal rights activists, who break into his lab and release said rats. Soon rampant death and destruction ensues on a college campus.
Sure it sounds like a classic “Revenge of Nature” film, but only if handled properly. This film reminds me of someone on shrooms. Imagine a giant kid yelling “Get the F*** out of here.”(Which actually happens in the film), the Dr. becomes a giant while having sex, and to top it all off, a giant rat that gets jealous of the Dr. new love interest. Roll that together with shaky cameras, visible booms, over the top acting; then you have the formula for this masterpiece of cinema.
Silent Night Deadly Night 5: The Toymaker 1991
The fifth (and last) series entry that is the most mesmerizing terrible installment thankfully. Acting legend and cultural icon Mickey Rooney stars as Joe Petto (get it??), a maniacal toy store owner who creates toys designed to kill children. One of his targets is Derek, who witnesses his father being murdered while he wraps one of Petto's toys for Christmas. Soon Derek and his mother begin their own investigation of Petto and his strange son Pino (See where they are going with it). Aside from the plot, it is the unhinged performance by Rooney, whose over-the-top portrayal will cause you to roar with laughter than with fright.
So we have a Pinocchio robot with a legendary actor who I think might actually be insane, couple that with just disturbing images of a child killer that culminates in a Pino rape scene. I have no idea who gave this a green light, but I figure they were fired the day it came out.
My advice if you do watch this; bring huge amounts of alcohol.
The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies 1964
This movie is as bad as the title is long. Originally billed as the "first monster musical," the movie stars Ray Dennis Steckler (who also directs) as Jerry, a slacker who attends a carnival with his girlfriend Angela and indescribable friend Harold. What should be a care-free day at the park turns into a nightmare after Jerry visits the villainous psychic Estrella, who hypnotizes him and turns him into a murderous zombie that attacks carnival attendees with psychotic glee. To make matters worse, Estrella and her goons are turning other carnival goers into zombies after hurling acid in their faces.
If that wasn’t enough to keep you riveted to your seat, all these bizarre antics are often interrupted by bland 60's musical performances featuring ungraceful dancers and tone-deaf vocalists. Incredibly Strange Creatures is truly horrific, but not in the way it was intended. Trust me, it will leave an impression. Just not a good one.
Troll 2 1990
You knew it was on here. A sequel bearing no relation to 1986's Troll(a personal favorite), Troll 2 is a film so deliciously bad that its spawned a rabid cult following, and even a documentary. The plot involves a goblin cult (Hello, it is called Troll, where are the trolls), who capture a family and attempt to eat them. Plot twist, the creatures are vegetarian, and must first transform their captives into plant matter before eating them.
Wow where to start. First we have vegan goblins, ok that’s kinda believable I guess. But it is called Troll, those are two different fantasy races. Next is the acting. Let me rephrase that, next is the overacting. Shatner has nothing on these people. It is just dreadful. Then there is the way the characters interact. What was the director thinking who allowed a kid to piss on dinner as a good plot point. You would think that is enough to propel this into infamy, nah. The goblins themselves look like cheap, and I mean dollar store quality Halloween costumes. I understand the director and writer were Italian and couldn't speak fluent English, but come on. Movies made like this just proves my point, drugs in huge quantities are bad.
Manos: The Hands of Fate 1966
A movie with all the tension and suspense of watching paint dry. You know it is going to be bumpy joyless ride when you realize the title's translation of Manos is hands. So the redundant title is “Hands: The Hands of Fate”. After the headache you got from realizing how stupid the title is, we get to the plot. Michael, Margaret, and their young daughter take a road trip, they stop at a remote house to ask for directions. Soon they meet the extremely awkward and incoherent Torgo, a lackey for The Master, an occultist who keeps a harem of hypnotized brides. So the trio must escape.
It's somewhat appropriate that the chief creative force behind Manos was a fertilizer sales representative named Harold P. Warren. He wrote, directed, edited and starred in the project that was made on a bet. Warren said it would be easy to make a horror film on his own. Remember he didn't say a good horror film. Manos is a strange fever dream held together by abysmal performances, excruciatingly long takes, weird anti-climatic "cat fights", and horrendous continuity errors. This movie should be used to torture prisoners.
Nightmare Circus 1973
It has also been released as Terror Circus and The Barn of the Naked Dead, so you know it is bad when they change the name to fool people into seeing it. Anyway, three young women are heading to Las Vegas to work as showgirls when their car breaks down in the desert. Andre offers to help them and takes them to his place where he keeps women confined in chains and makes them perform circus tricks in his barn. Meanwhile, his father, who has become a homicidal mutant because of the homestead’s proximity to a nuclear power plant, lives next to them in a shed.
That sounds like an interesting story. I like the circus, showgirls and mutants who live in sheds. Well tough! The whole movie has dull sadistic scenes set to cheery, boppy jazz music(I though a porno was beginning a few times) and filmed on a shoestring budget with junkyard sets. It even manages to make the beautiful Nevada desert look awful. It is just a terrible movie with bad acting and virtually no production values. What it boils down to is a severed head in a bird-cage, a monster escaping a locked room, a barn full of mutilated victims and a deranged ringmaster. Only watch this with a pot of very strong coffee.
Blood Freak 1972
This movie shouldn’t be in any worst list. This movie needs a completely different category. I would put this into the “Four day cocaine, meth, and mushroom bender while washing down prescription drugs with shots of mouthwash and kerosene” genre.
Open your mind with this; A biker (with really big hair) comes upon a God-fearing girl who wants to save the world with a flat tire and offers her a ride home. He winds up at a drug party with the girl's sister(drug slut), then follows her to a turkey farm owned by her father, a mad scientist. The father turns the biker into a giant turkey monster who goes after drug dealers and drinks their blood.
I am not going into anything else about this film. The plot is enough to know it is one of the strangest and most incredible films ever produced for human consumption. Mere words can not begin to describe this twisted masterpiece.
Orgy of the Dead 1965
Here you go kids, the only Ed Woods movie on the list. Plan 9 is not a bad movie. How can the so-called worst movie have the best-selling Halloween mask. People hate it because it is the popular thing to do. Besides most of Woods movies have actual plots. So get your fill of Wood hate from this one. Even though Ed Woods only wrote it.
Try to wrap your mind around this plot. John and his girlfriend Shirley go in search of a cemetary in order to inspire John for writing his next horror story(he should watch the news like I do). After they crash the car, they wander into the graveyard and encounter the dancing dead, a full moon spectacle overseen by the Ruler of the Dark. Before long the couple is spotted and taken prisoner. Tied to stakes and forced to watch the dancing as they await their fate.
Sounds good on paper, but what we get is this: A dozen talentless strippers perform with bad music and scenarios. Criswell speaks as if he thinks and says out every single word with conviction. In other words, Criswell pays the exact same character as every other Woods film. No one in the film has any acting range whatsoever and the settings are cheap, while covered up by plenty of dry ice floating about. Be on the lookout for badly costumed wolfman and mummy. Why they are there is anyone’s guess.
Robot Monster 1953
Wonderful 50‘s cinema. Ro-Man, an alien has destroyed all but six people on the planet Earth. As he tries to finish off these survivors, complications arise when he falls for the young woman in the group.
To call this movie iconic is an understatement. Ro-Man is a gorilla costume with a diving helmet. I should also add that the diving helmet has antennae. That’s it, nothing else. There is no need to comment that he uses a ray gun that looks like something you can buy in the knockoff cheap toy isle. Combine those two elements with a bubble machine that is some kind of weapon, or maybe aliens like bubbles. I have no clue.
I get the premise, I understand the plot. I just don’t know how they screwed up the delivery. How can someone think a gorilla diver with a toy gun and bubble machine chasing 6 people across the canyons of California would come off as anything as corny. Best way to watch this is with a group of friends and everyone takes a shot when anyone says Ro-Man(I would add Human to this but I don’t want anyone to get alcohol poisoning).
Zombie Strippers 2008
I wouldn’t even put this on any list since it wasn’t a silicone fueled disaster, but it stars Robert freakin England. Freddy needs to learn how to say no. Maybe he is poor now and needs the check, I have no idea.
At any rate, in the not too distant future a secret government re-animation chemo-virus gets released into Sartre, Nebraska and lands in an underground strip club. As the virus begins to spread, turning the strippers into "Super Zombie Strippers" the girls struggle with whether or not to conform to the new "fad" even if it means there's no turning back.
It has England and boobs. The rest is utter nonsense. Corny juvenile jokes and boob shots. You might be saying I love juvenile jokes and boobs. How about the famous ping pong trick? More interested? How about a billiards ball trick? Still interested? How about the billiards ball trick that can kill people at 10 yards. Yes kids we have Jenna Jameson shooting billiard balls out of her well used “Happy Place" as if shot from a cannon. I honestly felt brain cells dying as I watched this.
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