Worst Jobs to Have in a Horror MovieBy MortimerTGraves for Movies
Worst Jobs to Have in a Horror Movie
Question. If you lived in the world of a horror film, what would be the worst job you could possible get? This is a question a few of us have wonder while watching our favorite horror films. Out of the thousands of films under the horror category, the sheer number of occupations is as broad as real life.
After extensive study and census(My buddies and I drinking heavily), I have compiled a list of jobs that would be the absolute worst to have in a horror movie. So lets polish our resume and look at jobs we definitely will not be applying for.
Maybe you’re just a regular smart guy working in a lab with no intentions of ever doing anything evil. Perhaps you’re working on something that’ll benefit humankind (like taco’s that doesn't cause raging diarrhea after a long night of drinking).
Well too bad buddy, you’re in a horror movie and someone or something in your workplace is about to ruin your day. Whether it’s because someone decided to play God and create some abomination or they’re an idiot who accidentally spills a vial of zombie juice all over themselves, someone in that lab is going to destroy humanity and you’re closest to that disaster.
Business is booming, but sometimes it’s a real chore. When your latest customer has been split from head to groin by the psycho killer who is on the loose and the poor grieving kin is asking for an open casket funeral. You have a real perplexing problem on your hands.
Or you find yourself in a zombie movie, you have a whole other nightmare to deal with. You show up to work one day and suddenly find yourself as the first line of defense in the zombie apocalypse. Gives a whole new meaning to being consumed by your work.
You though being a Scientist was bad, HA. It doesn’t matter whether you’re working for a mad scientists or not, the job of lab assistant just plain sucks. It’s not just the usual tedious tasks like prepping experiments, data collecting, and cleaning up the equipment afterwards. It’s more about all the grave robbing, kidnapping, and dealing with a boss who daily intrudes on God’s domain that makes the job such a chore.
All you can hope for at best is, you’ll end up dead. At worst, you’ll find yourself strapped to a table and turned into some hideous human monster with an intense feeling of hate and murder.
Let’s face it, all cops in a horror movie are one of three things: incompetent, a gigantic ass, or dead. Sometimes they’re all three. There’s a very slim chance you might be a hero or, at least a decent person, but that usually only happens if you have a deep emotional connection to one of the victims.
In reality, despite being trained, having a firearm and have a full national network behind you, you’re the most unlikely person to survive a horror movie. Your main purpose in a horror film is to be easily killed off by the monster to prove how bad they are. All that police training just so you can be a jobber(wrestling lingo) for a movie villain. It’s a hard bitter pill to swallow.
Tokyo Department of Sanitation Worker
Yea I know they have a great benefits and retirement package, but just think about this. Every so many years a giant monster comes crashing through downtown destroying everything higher than a street sign. Then when they finally rumble off toward the sea, and out of your life for a few more years, the real work begins. You spend the next year working overtime to get the city back in working order. Instead of being praised for the hard work you do, people like the owner of the noodle shop with the giant footprint in the parking lot wants to know when it will be fixed.
You would think that would be the worst part. Nope. How about the 7 story high pile of Gojira crap that needs scooped. So you trade your shovel in for a heavy-duty excavator with extra air fresheners hanging from the mirror. The only silver lining is the city doesn’t need to buy fertilizer.
Crime Scene Cleaners
This job takes a special kind of person. And most of them are weird. I know a few, and they suck watching horror movies with(“I know blood doesnt squirt like that Tim. It’s a friggen movie. Now shut the hell up.”). Yes, cleaning up after someone like Jason might be a straight forward task, but there are some messy killers in the horror universe. When Jason or Michael comes to town you just have to scrub some blood stains out of the shag carpeting or maybe off the walls and window frame, but when you’re cleaning up after Freddy you might find yourself dealing with the aftermath of a bloody flashfood. How much blood did Glen (pt.1) have in him? There’s not enough bleach wipes in the world to get all of Glen out of that room.
It would be best just to bulldozer the house and start over.
It is far from the hardest job in the world, just kinda dangerous. Imagine you’re a college student it’s a good way to earn a few bucks in between semesters and, in any normal scenario, your biggest threat would be the snotty little germ factories you have to take care of. Plus there are also plenty of perks to the job. Namely all the drinking and unprotected sex you’ll have now that you’re far out of the view of your parents.
Alas, that’s when the bodies start to pile up, you can bet that you’ll be the first to go. At least you might have a good time before someone wonders out of the woods and chops you up into bite-size pieces. Also, don’t make fun of the mentally challenged kid, that is never nice.
Another massacre, another job. You can bet a few phone lines were cut in the middle of all that murder and mayhem. Now it’s up to you to go out there and fix them. It may be job security, but it’s also a huge pain in the back side. Plus if you should happen to respond too fast to the scene of a downed phone line you might wind up counting yourself amongst the victims.
It’s a thankless job. Not only do you have to contend with cut lines, you also have to wait for the police, mortician and crime scene cleaners to finish before you can get that lifeline back in working order.
These brave and noble people charge into danger with no regard for their own to patch up and save human life. It sounds so inspiring. You would think the presence of the ambulance would be a shining beacon of safety. Yea it’s not. Two things will happen. When they pull up to the scene, a group of old people in dirty rages will swarm out of the shadows at them. After a few minutes, there will be nothing left but scraps of bloody uniforms. If by some miracle you do actually secure the patient or corpse in the back of the ambulance for a ride to the hospital. There is a 99.999% chance the patient/corpse will break the straps/body bag and attack you. Five seconds later you will be another notch on the monster’s kill sheet.
However the worst part is you have to work holidays and weekends. Paramedics is not a good job to have.